Living!

Live. I've been reminded to LIVE a lot lately. To be honest, I thought I was always living but recently I've realized that I haven't. See, for a long time I've just moved through the motions of life. Take a job because it pays well. Regardless whether it's a job I love or not, I would stay because there are bills to pay. With college and grad school, I accumulated lots of student loan debt and then I bought n apartment. More debt. All this time I wasn't living, I thought I was part of growing up and one day when all the debt was gone, I would get this opportunity to live. Truth is, we need to live for the now. We need to smell the roses, listen to the birds, and slow down. Cherish every moment.

Without speaking in too much detail yet, I am learning to live. I am finally doing something I love to do daily and I'm doing it for nobody else except for me. That's bananas in my book because my whole life I have cared about what others thought and how I was perceived.

I allowed the opinions of others to halt me right before I ever got started. I can't even tell you why I did that but from what I studied, to what I ate, I allowed other people to make those decisions for me. I just moved along trying so hard to be accepted. And it started since I was young. I was told I was too skinny, too loud, too happy (can u believe that!) and something about me always annoyed someone. I would focus on it so much and let it eat me up inside. In high school, it turned into me choosing not to eat. I still can't tell you exactly what I was thinking but I think it happened because I had so many feelings compounded. I just wanted friends and to be accepted, etc. Of course now I know that none of those opinions or people mattered. Can you believe that at one point, I would purposely not score a perfect score in exams just to avoid hearing the words nerd or geek. I probably could have been valedictorian but those people weren't "cool." I was so wrong.

Cool, pretty, popular, they are all words and they mean nothing ESPECIALLY if you are not living. I outgrew all of that in college but have realized that living in the moment, in the now, in my happy place has been something I pushed aside for too long. Last December I made a decision to manifest life. I created a vision, wrote it down, created a visual and began moving my momentum towards it. We are in the month of May and half of my visions have manifested. Now I'm working on living, not on accomplishing tasks and moving along. That's not the person I want to be. I want to be like my nieces who are five and seven and have this beautiful untainted quality of appreciating every moment. They are wise in that they know that the word is so beautiful. I'm taking a page out of their book and living in every experience as I move towards a life that gives me fulfillment so that I can continue to LIVE!! N n